In A Million
by Cereus
Summary: Tonight was one of those nights. A quiet night for reflection, for reliving a nightmare and a memory… Luke's thoughts after the destruction of the first Death Star.


In A Million

Author's Notes: A fic dealing with Luke's true feelings on the destruction of the First Death Star.

Tonight was one of those nights.

A quiet night for reflection, for re-living a nightmare and a memory…

0o0o0o0o0

He smiled when the new pilots in the squadrons alluded to the famous destruction of the dreaded Death Star that had taken the lives of billions. Yet that smile was somewhat forced though nobody knew. Only he knew the truth. The God awful truth.

When they asked him how he did it, he would only reply that the Force guided him.

They never knew that the Force also screamed at him at the same time.

They never knew the onslaught of a million voices dying, crying and cursing…

Cursing his soul to the depths of hell, to whatever vengeful God that they had once worshiped on their varied planets.

Why should they congratulate him so?

Couldn't they see the horror of what occurred?

On the darkest nights when he sat alone in his bunk to ward away the thoughts of the day, somewhere in the depths of his soul the memory always arose. In a million years he never could have thought that he had the lives of a million in his hands in that moment. He didn't fathom at that time that some of those men on board had families, friends, wives and lovers. Not all of them were bad.

What did that make him?

In front of public he smiled, grinned and told jokes whenever the issue presented itself but inside he screamed just as loud as the million voices that cried out through the Force that day.

'It's all your fault. You're no better than the Empire that destroyed Alderaan.' They hissed in a mixture of anguish, anger and sorrow.

Where ever he roamed he never said anything of his name when asked for it. The name Skywalker was a cursed and a blessed one. Luckily enough to say he mostly roamed in the backwater planets where people wouldn't spit in his face or place more accusations to him for murdering a million people.

Yes. Murder.

Another part of him denied it. He didn't murder them. At the time he was doing what he had been ordered to do and that what he did was prevent them from destroying more lives…

Even so he couldn't help but think that they too were ordered to fire on Alderaan and went through his self-same conflicting emotions. A great majority of Ex-Imperials had escaped the Death Star to join the rebellion after the destruction of Alderaan. Didn't that constitute for something?

For all he knew the remaining officers could have stayed in fear for their families, friends and their lives. Vader's reputation for hounding down traitors and killing them was notorious.

His actions had driven apart his bonds with his remaining childhood friend from Tatooine.

Tank had friends onboard the Death Star as well.

Bloodstained hands.

Round and round they went in a spiral raining death, joy, sadness, anger, sorrow and regret.

Then there had been the time he ran into a little girl crying in a cemetery on one of the core planets- Mires. He had been there on part of a diplomatic mission with Leia when he decided to take a walk away from the stifling political tension between the New Republic and the remains of the Mirian government after the fall of the Empire.

It had been a rainy day but he hadn't bothered to keep the rain away from his hair as he wandered around until crying caught his attention as he passed a local cemetery near the capital city. Curious he entered to see solemn grave markers of white stone stand like small miniature obelisks. He knew that to preserve space as well as preventing any diseases that cremating bodies had been the norm for most of the galactic systems. The ashes were stored away in memorials such as these obelisks.

He couldn't help but shiver at the sight of the immaculate row of obelisks standing guard as he passed them fast enough to catch glimpses of names but not of dates. As he continued his jaunt through the silent cemetery he saw the source of the crying. It was a girl of ten or so crouched near one of the white obelisks holding a bouquet of flowers in her hands, uncaring of the rain that was soaking her to the bone.

She was a small thing wearing a long sleeved dress the color of wine with white accents. As he came up closer to her he took note that her dark hair was in fact brown done in a single braid. Try as he might he looked around for her parents to find none present.

Tentatively he placed his hand on her shoulder only to have it smacked away by the crying girl.

She glared up at him with hazel eyes filled with anger and sorrow.

"Don't touch me!" She cried out as her eyes roved him with contempt. "You killed my father!"

He had stepped back in dread and guilt as she sobbed harder in the rain.

He didn't know what to say.

She had spoken the truth.

Her father had been one of the million onboard the Death Star. It didn't take a genius to know that the New Republic's arrival on Mires had been placed in the media. He knew that most likely they mentioned his name and his credentials in the war.

Guilt roiled in him in symphony with the death of a million from that fateful day that soaked his hands with blood.

"I-I did." He replied softly. "I won't deny it and I won't hide away from the truth of what I did but I want you to know this. Every moment that I'm alive I have to live through that reminder. People always bring it up with smiles and joy; they even praise me for doing what I did. However no matter how hard I want them to stop, they never will.

"As a Jedi, the knowledge of what I did is worse."

Her hazel eyes looked up to him without contempt but with curiosity and surprise. Smart girl. Her father would have been proud.

"How so?" She asked.

"I heard them die. All of them. They died screaming, crying and cursing. They died for what they believed in, for fear for their families, in fear of Vader, for the future and for lost dreams. I saw the future of what could have been, the past that had been and the present all at once. The Force guided me that day but it also gave me a heavy burden for the choice I made.

"I won't ask for forgiveness for the damned doesn't have a right to but all I know is that I will carry their deaths in my heart." With that he took off his jacket and placed it on her shoulders before walking away in the rain hoping that it would somehow cleanse him of his guilt.

It wouldn't but it was nice to think that it would just a little.

So he just continued to smile for their sake, allowing them to live in the moment, ignorant of the truth that went with their words. Deep down inside he knew better for he was the catalyst that destroyed so many lives in taking the million.

Gazing at the large blue tinged moon he leaned against the railing of the outdoor balcony in what had once been the Imperial Palace he was struck at how much it resembled the Death Star those years ago and the stars around it…souls of the dead.

Author's Notes: Blame Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Please give me feedback on what you thought of it.


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